Wednesday, April 21, 2010

So many feelings!

So I spent most of my evening, angry with my husband. Angry because I wanted him to take the night off, and spend it with me. Angry because he wouldn't. He has to work. We are already struggling, and for him to miss work is not the best idea. Crime doesn't stop, just because it feels like my life has. I was angry. Mostly I was angry at him, because I need to be mad at SOMEONE!!

My Gramma, would be so upset with me, if she saw what I'm letting this do to me. See, Gram, was ALWAYS on Alan's side. She adored him. And she knew that I was being a spoiled brat, most of the time, and God forbid Alan do anything wrong!! LOL It used to make me so frusterated. She'd tell me, "you stop being mean to him!!! He loves you!!" She was right.....the only other person in my life, that has loved me as much as my Gram, is Alan.

The two of them make my world a better place. My fear now, is what will I do, now that one half of that equation is gone?!?!

Once I stopped being angry, he held me. And I cried and I cried. I told him things about Gram raising us, that I don't think I had ever told him before. I needed to share them with someone. Not that he needed any reminders of how wonderful she was, he loved her just as much as she loved him. He cried with me. And he held me, and didn't pretend to know what to say, he just held me. And he also reminded me of what Gram would say right now. She would tell me to stop crying. She would tell me to take care of my babies. And she would always reassure me of how much she loves me.

I know that my heart is going to hurt for a very long time. I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that more then anything, my Gramma would want what is best for me, and Alan, and Olivia, Quinn and Annabelle. I know that my Gramma will watch over me, and before, we were seperated by miles, but I know now, that she is closer then has has ever been. She's in my heart, and she's watching over me, guiding and protecting me and my family.

We explained to Olivia tonight, what was happening. I have never gotten over never being able to tell my mom goodbye, but I always promised myself, that I would always be completely honest about death (especially that of loved ones) with my children. She cried. She loves her Grammo! But, I assured her that now, she has two Angels protecting her, and that Grammo will be happy going to heaven, because she will get to be with Angel Gramma again. That in itself seemed to comfort her.

Her friend came over this evening to see if she could go to her house and play, and the first thing she told her, "My mommy is going to NY to say goodbye to my Grammo, cause she's on her way to heaven!" I know, she may not understand it all, but I will keep my promise, and always tell her the truth.

I will also, do my best to ask for help. I know I can't get through this alone. Yet, I'm very very bad at asking for help from people. So many of my friends have reached out, not feeling as if they have to help, but WANTING to help. I have to find a way to accept that, and not try and do this alone. I guess I get that from Gram. She was so strong, so stubborn, that she HATED asking for help. Please, just be patient. I'm a work in progress!! :o)

I don't know how I will get through this, right now, it seems impossible, but I will...

(sorry for so much rambling. It's so much easier for me to write my feelings, then trying to express them aloud!)

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