Thursday, April 22, 2010

A new day....

I woke up this morning, and could barely lift my head. It felt like a ton of bricks, and was pounding so bad. The only way to really explain it, is it felt like a really bad hangover!! I wish it were that simple. I thought for a minute, that yesterday was all a bad dream, and I was waking up to a new day, similiar to the ones in the past. Then I realized, it wasn't a bad dream, and that I'd never have a day like I did in the past, again. Everything is different now.

I waited for hours last night, for an update on Gram. Something to ease my mind, that either, by some miracle, she was doing better, or that she had made it home to heaven to be with my mom again. My phone didn't ring. It didn't vibrate....nothing. I looked at it countless times this morning, thinking maybe I had missed the call, but I hadn't. I texted my sister to check on her. She's been with Gram through all this, and I'm worried about her.

My sister is a very strong woman. She's been through so much in her life, however knowing that she is going through this, alone, breaks my heart. My family is there with her, but, I know, she's dealing with all of this in her own way. Much like myself, she never asks for help, and even when offered, she has a VERY hard time accepting it. I just worry about her.

She said that this morning had been really rough. Gram isn't in any pain, and she's still making that journey home. I don't know how long it will take for her to reach her destination, but I know that when she does, she will be where she is free from pain, and sadness.

I feel helpless/useless right now. I wish there was some way I could help my family through this. I know how horrible I feel right now, I can't imagine what they must feel, watching all of this. I wish I could do something, anything!!! My pain seems so trivial, compared to what they are going through. Death, sucks!!!

I will continue to pray. For both my Gramma, and my family. I guess, that's all I can do right now.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

So many feelings!

So I spent most of my evening, angry with my husband. Angry because I wanted him to take the night off, and spend it with me. Angry because he wouldn't. He has to work. We are already struggling, and for him to miss work is not the best idea. Crime doesn't stop, just because it feels like my life has. I was angry. Mostly I was angry at him, because I need to be mad at SOMEONE!!

My Gramma, would be so upset with me, if she saw what I'm letting this do to me. See, Gram, was ALWAYS on Alan's side. She adored him. And she knew that I was being a spoiled brat, most of the time, and God forbid Alan do anything wrong!! LOL It used to make me so frusterated. She'd tell me, "you stop being mean to him!!! He loves you!!" She was right.....the only other person in my life, that has loved me as much as my Gram, is Alan.

The two of them make my world a better place. My fear now, is what will I do, now that one half of that equation is gone?!?!

Once I stopped being angry, he held me. And I cried and I cried. I told him things about Gram raising us, that I don't think I had ever told him before. I needed to share them with someone. Not that he needed any reminders of how wonderful she was, he loved her just as much as she loved him. He cried with me. And he held me, and didn't pretend to know what to say, he just held me. And he also reminded me of what Gram would say right now. She would tell me to stop crying. She would tell me to take care of my babies. And she would always reassure me of how much she loves me.

I know that my heart is going to hurt for a very long time. I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that more then anything, my Gramma would want what is best for me, and Alan, and Olivia, Quinn and Annabelle. I know that my Gramma will watch over me, and before, we were seperated by miles, but I know now, that she is closer then has has ever been. She's in my heart, and she's watching over me, guiding and protecting me and my family.

We explained to Olivia tonight, what was happening. I have never gotten over never being able to tell my mom goodbye, but I always promised myself, that I would always be completely honest about death (especially that of loved ones) with my children. She cried. She loves her Grammo! But, I assured her that now, she has two Angels protecting her, and that Grammo will be happy going to heaven, because she will get to be with Angel Gramma again. That in itself seemed to comfort her.

Her friend came over this evening to see if she could go to her house and play, and the first thing she told her, "My mommy is going to NY to say goodbye to my Grammo, cause she's on her way to heaven!" I know, she may not understand it all, but I will keep my promise, and always tell her the truth.

I will also, do my best to ask for help. I know I can't get through this alone. Yet, I'm very very bad at asking for help from people. So many of my friends have reached out, not feeling as if they have to help, but WANTING to help. I have to find a way to accept that, and not try and do this alone. I guess I get that from Gram. She was so strong, so stubborn, that she HATED asking for help. Please, just be patient. I'm a work in progress!! :o)

I don't know how I will get through this, right now, it seems impossible, but I will...

(sorry for so much rambling. It's so much easier for me to write my feelings, then trying to express them aloud!)

Here I sit....

So, here I sit, wondering how to express my feelings. Everyone tells me, Gram wouldn't want me upset, and crying, she would want me to stay calm and take care of this baby growing inside of me, but, I don't think that's possible. I can't stay calm, and I can't stop crying.

My Gramma's body is shutting down. My family is there, saying their goodbyes, and here I sit, hundreds of miles away. Not able to see her, to talk to her, or tell her how much she means to me. I have to believe that she already knows and feels this in her heart. That doesn't comfort me though. I'm mad! I hate being here, when my heart is up there. I hate not knowing what is happening every second...

When my mom died, when I was 4, my Gramma stepped up to the plate and took my sister and I in, and raised us as if we were her own. I will be the first to admit, I was spoiled rotten. She loved us, encouraged us, and never gave up on us. She was a girl scout leader, she hosted many a birthday parties for both me and my sister. She never missed a show or performance we put on, at school. She made us french toast on Saturday mornings, while we lounged infront of the TV and watched our cartoons. She let us play outside with our friends until way after dark, and on New Years Eve, we always got to drink Mogan David (is that what its called) with her. We watched Dukes of Hazard, Dallas and Knots Landing with her every Friday night, while we sipped a coke and had chips n' dip ( I can't remember a single Friday night that I made it through all of those shows without falling asleep!!). She would pay us $1 to brush her hair, and when I was scared in the middle of the night, she'd let me sleep on her bedroom floor, where I ALWAYS felt safe. She made the best chocolate chip cookies, tuna noodle, and home made mac n' cheese. Everyone I know, called her "Gram"....and loved her as if she was their Gramma too.

She was a daughter, a sister, a mother of 5, a grandmother and a great grandmother. She was also a friend to everyone. If you met my Gramma, you instantly loved her. She would do anything, for anyone. That is what I always loved about her. She was more then my Gramma, she was the only parent I ever had. She was my best friend. I could call her 10 times a day, about ANYTHING. From "I miss you", to "how do you make....!??!" She never complained when she didn't feel good or was tired. She was strong, and independent. She was loyal, and so very hard working. She is everything I wish I could be. Growing up with my Gramma, taught me so much about love, about family and about life.

When I was pregnant with Olivia, she was the first to now. She was thrilled for me. She loved that little girl so much, and felt the same about Quinn when he arrived. Even when I didn't make the best choices, she never gave up on me. She loved me, when no one else seemed to. And she knew me better then anyone. Even still, when something happens, the first person I want is my Gram. My children know her as "Grammo".....and Olivia loves her so very much. She used to send the kids stickers and dollars. There faces would light up because it was mail from Grammo. I'm heart broken that Annabelle will never know her.

I know that my Gramma has lived a long hard life. I know that her body was tired, and it was time for her to go home. I understand all of this, and it all makes sense to me. However again I say, I was spoiled rotten!! The selfish part of me, wants her here!! I want to be able to tell her goodbye. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for any pain I caused her either growing up or in my adult years. I want to thank her for ALWAYS being here for me, even when no one else was. I want to tell her that even though we live so far away now, a day does not go by that I don't think about her, and miss her. I want to tell her how much she has inspired me, and how fulfilling the life that she gave me was. I want to tell her that I love her, and she will forever be in my heart. I can't tell her any of this, because I ran out of time. She's going home to be with my Mom now. And I know that she will be in a better place, and will not suffer anymore, but as I sit here, I wonder, how will I ever get through this?! This is without a doubt, the worst day of my entire life.

I have always feared losing her. Everytime she gets sick, I get scared. As much as the thought crossed my mind, I never knew how I would really react, maybe because apart of me, even knowing how fragile she had become, believed that she would live forever. I mean, she has to....she has to meet my little girl, she has to meet my new nephew. She has to yell at me, like she always did to "stop my blubbering!!"

I keep telling myself, that the next call that comes from NY, is going to say she's doing better. That somehow, she pulled through this, and is doing better. But I know, that the next call I get, is NOT going to say that. No matter how much I wish this all away, this is really happening.

My life has been forever changed because of her. Because of the person she raised me to be. Because of the influence she had on my life. My life will be forever changed because of how much she loved me, and how much I loved her. My life will be forever changed because she is gone now, and I have to some how, find a way to live without her. The thought of that, however, gives me a panic attack. It makes me cry, and hate life. It makes me sad for my children who will not grow up knowing her, like I did. It makes me sad, because, it's not fair.

So here I sit.....knowing that her body is tired of fighting. Knowing that her body is shutting down. Knowing that everyone is there with her except for me. Knowing that I will never again hear her voice or her laugh, and hear her tell me she loves me, ever again. Here I sit.....

Monday, April 19, 2010

23 weeks!!

I feel like a little kid, counting the days until Christmas!!! Instead I'm counting how many weeks I've come, and how many I have left to go, until I meet my sweet baby girl. In 16 weeks or less, I will have her in my arms!!! All of a sudden, I'm starting to panic ab0ut becoming a mother of three!!! What if I can't do it all? What if my kids hate me, because they feel like I've replaced them, by having another. Alan has two daughters from his first marriage they are older, 21 and almost 20. They resent both Alan and I, along with their siblings, because they felt like they were replaced. So what if that's how Olivia & Quinn feel too. We did not replace the other two, we simply wanted a larger family, and I wanted children of my own. I was not replacing the two I already have, but adding to our family again. Is that wrong? I worry about the kids not knowing how much I love them, and how each of them mean the world to me. I try so hard to be a good mom, and show them regularly, that they are my heart, but sometimes, especially lately, with my pregnancy hormone's in full force, I feel like a failure when it comes to that. Everyone has told me that going from 2 to 3, is way easier then going from 1 kid to two. Oh, I hope they are right. Cause right now, I'm not buying it!!!

It's been such a long weekend. My Gramma was admitted in to the hospital yesterday. My Gram raised my sister and I. She's a wonderful, strong, beautiful woman, inside and out. I cried all day yesterday. At many times, I couldn't even breathe, the fear and tears paralized me. I worry about her, and about how sick she gets. My Gramma is my heart. She's more then a grandmother to me, she's been the only mom I have ever had since I was 4 years old. She is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. I love her so much, and knowing she's so far away, and I can't be there with her, is breaking my heart!!!!

I feel like I have a lot I want to say today, but as I go back and re-read what I've written so far, I realize that my brain is a jumbled mess right now, and nothing is coming out like I intended. I wil revisit this again later....

Friday, April 16, 2010

How do you even label this?!?!

Not even sure what to label this, for my subject. It just makes me giggle, and so I had to share!!!

Yesterday, Olivia comes home from school and tells me that her little "boy" friend in her class has invited her to stay over night at his house (I'm quite sure, this was something he decided on his own, not sure his mom would agree to this, but who knows!!!) I informed her that she was more then welcome to have a playdate with him, however she won't be having boy/girl sleep overs!!! She wasn't happy about this!! I asked her what she told him, and she said that she would ask her Mommy & Daddy!!! The whole thing just tickled me, especially when I thought of how her daddy would react when she told him. He almost had a heart attack, to say the least!!! LOL

So today, when she came home from school, I asked her if she had told him that she wasn't allowed to have a sleep over at his house, and she said yes, and that he told her, "just give them the puppy dog face and they will let you!!" OMG, I seriously had to laugh, it was just so what does she do?!?! She gives me the puppy dog face, and then proceeds to ask me, "did that work?!?!" LMAO Ummmm, yeah, not so much!!!

I will say, that I hope she ALWAYS asks before sleeping over at a boys house!! LOL However I'm sure there will come a day, when that's the last thing she will mention. For now, I'm just going to cherish this memory!!! I found it way more amusing then Alan did though!! LOL She's such a daddy's girl. I'm confident in saying, he probably won't even let her date in high school!! *gigglin*

Cast of Characters!!

Since I've already started spilling my guts about
our family, I figured I had better properly introduce the cast of characters!!
My sweet boy, Quinn...
He's sweet, stubborn, is always worried about whether you are
happy or not, and will do anything to make you laugh,
he's a total clown!!

My beautiful Olivia Hope!!
She is so smart, and passionate about
so many things. She loves horses more then anything, and has been riding since she was 3.
She loves to draw, and tell stories, and her new favorite thing
is riding her bike, "on two wheels" as she says!!
She's so sweet and always wears her heart on her sleeve, much
like her Mommy. I think some people see it as a negative, that she's so
emotional, however I think her sweet, gentleness is very endearing, and that more
kids, and people should have a heart as kind and tender as hers!!
(of course, I may also be biased?!?! LOL)

My two sweet angels!!
They bring so much joy and happiness to our life.
I thank God for everyday that he gives me, with them. I grew up without
parents, so there is nothing in this world that is more
important to me, then my family and my
two (almost 3) precious babies!!!

My beautiful family!!!'s finally Friday! Whooptie doo!!!!

Everyone I know, seems to count down the days until Friday, and they just dread Monday's. Perhaps it's because my "job" keeps me at home EVERY day, neither day really mean too much to me. After awhile, they all just blend together, and 1/2 the time, I don't even know what day it really is. Thankfully my soon to be 6 year old, is never far behind and corrects me when I tell her it's Tuesday, and infact it's really Saturday!! LOL So, from what I hear, today is Friday. So all of my friends are excited....they have the weekend off. Not me. I never have a day off. Not that I'm complaining. I love my children, and my husband, and our life together. But maybe just once, ok who am I kidding....maybe a handful of times, I'd like to have a day off. Its been a super rough week, I've had a lot of cramping and spotting, along with my continued blood pressure problems. Last night however, my body decided that wasn't enough, and wanted to remind me of how much it hates me, thus giving me a HORRIBLE ear ache, sore throat and a snotty nose!! As if the other problems weren't enough?!?!

Alan is working 3rd shift this month, and ontop of that, the Blue Angels are in town, so he's working there. I have no idea what exactly he's doing there, I suppose that was his way of either a) getting out of the house so he didn't have to listen to me complain anymore or b)getting to watch them up close and personal. He loves planes and flying, so I'm just thrilled for him....but, yeah, I have a feeling there was more to it, then just having to "work". :o)

I think we may finally be completely potty trained. By "we", I mean, Quinn. I've been potty trained for some time now!!! He's done great the last 5/6 months peeing on the potty but for some reason, both of my children had a total poop in the potty, phobia!! Honestly, I just don't get it. I'd much rather poop in the potty then have it smushed all over my bum. I guess that's just me?!?! We did have a major break through, yesterday though. After a major diarrhea mess all over my bathroom floor, he opted to use the potty the next 5 times he had to go. We cheered and clapped, and got so excited for him. Secretly I was exicted at the prospect of not having to clean up his messy diapers anymore!!! (I have a good 17 weeks before I'll have to start changing diapers again, and I'm surely going to cherish every second of those 17 weeks!!!) I'm praying that this will continue, as I'm sick of having to stick a diaper on him, so that he can go hide in the closet (yes, we all need our privacy!!) and poop in his diaper!!! I guess, only time will tell.....

I will surely be back later to finish my ramblings....for now, I must go rescue the corn dog from the oven, before I burn it, like the last one!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A little about me!

I'm Krista! I'm a wife, a mother, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece and I try and be the best friend, and person that I can. Sometimes, I suppose I try too hard!!

I was so blessed to have met an amazing man, who loves me despite all my flaws. He puts up with my OCD, and my moodiness (especially lately!! Pregnancy hormones have taken over my mind and body!! Eeeeek!) He works very hard to provide for our family, and I think sometimes I take that for granted, and I don't let him know enough, how much I love and appreciate all that he does. He is my hero. He served in the US Army for 25 years, and then made his dream of becoming a police officer, a reality. He now works for a wonderful department, and loves what he does. I love him being a cop, however I don't always love being a cops wife.

We have 2 1/2 children together. Olivia is my sweet girl. We went through 2 years of infertility treatments to conceive her. She was definitely our little miracle baby. She will be 6 in a few weeks. It's so bitter sweet! I love watching her read, and doing math problems, and just learning new and exciting things everyday. However, I miss my little baby girl, and the thought of her growing up, gives me a complete panic attack!!!!

Ahhhh, Quinn!!! He is my 3 year old!!!! He is ALL boy (unless there's a bug near by, and then he screams like a little girl. I suppose he gets that from his mother!!). We went through a really hard time with him, during the "terrible two's!" I honestly didn't think I would make it out of them, alive!! But, thankfully I have survived and last week he turned 3!!! Things thus far, have been wonderful....however I'm not holding my breath that they will stay so wonderful...perhaps this is the calm before the storm?!?!

Last but certainly not least, Annabelle Claire!! She's currently using my bladder and guts, as her personal punching bag!! I am 22 weeks pregnant, and despite the fact I promised myself I would cherish every second of this pregnancy (because it is DEFINITELY my last), I'm miserable!!! We've had a rough 22 weeks....needless to say, I'm counting the days until I can hold her in my arms!!!

I love my life, and my family!! I love the wonderful friends I've been blessed to have, and I look forward to what our future holds. We have our challenges (too many lately, I might add!!), but we keep truckin' along.

I'll be using this blog for all of my ramblings. I love being a stay at home mom, but often miss the adult interaction that an "out of the house" job provide's!! I am looking forward to sharing my feelings, accomplishments, fears, and well, a little bit of everything, here!!!

As much as I would love to continue, my sweet little man is in the middle of a tantrum!! So much for the 3's being easier then the two's. I obviously spoke to soon.....