Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Here I sit....

So, here I sit, wondering how to express my feelings. Everyone tells me, Gram wouldn't want me upset, and crying, she would want me to stay calm and take care of this baby growing inside of me, but, I don't think that's possible. I can't stay calm, and I can't stop crying.

My Gramma's body is shutting down. My family is there, saying their goodbyes, and here I sit, hundreds of miles away. Not able to see her, to talk to her, or tell her how much she means to me. I have to believe that she already knows and feels this in her heart. That doesn't comfort me though. I'm mad! I hate being here, when my heart is up there. I hate not knowing what is happening every second...

When my mom died, when I was 4, my Gramma stepped up to the plate and took my sister and I in, and raised us as if we were her own. I will be the first to admit, I was spoiled rotten. She loved us, encouraged us, and never gave up on us. She was a girl scout leader, she hosted many a birthday parties for both me and my sister. She never missed a show or performance we put on, at school. She made us french toast on Saturday mornings, while we lounged infront of the TV and watched our cartoons. She let us play outside with our friends until way after dark, and on New Years Eve, we always got to drink Mogan David (is that what its called) with her. We watched Dukes of Hazard, Dallas and Knots Landing with her every Friday night, while we sipped a coke and had chips n' dip ( I can't remember a single Friday night that I made it through all of those shows without falling asleep!!). She would pay us $1 to brush her hair, and when I was scared in the middle of the night, she'd let me sleep on her bedroom floor, where I ALWAYS felt safe. She made the best chocolate chip cookies, tuna noodle, and home made mac n' cheese. Everyone I know, called her "Gram"....and loved her as if she was their Gramma too.

She was a daughter, a sister, a mother of 5, a grandmother and a great grandmother. She was also a friend to everyone. If you met my Gramma, you instantly loved her. She would do anything, for anyone. That is what I always loved about her. She was more then my Gramma, she was the only parent I ever had. She was my best friend. I could call her 10 times a day, about ANYTHING. From "I miss you", to "how do you make....!??!" She never complained when she didn't feel good or was tired. She was strong, and independent. She was loyal, and so very hard working. She is everything I wish I could be. Growing up with my Gramma, taught me so much about love, about family and about life.

When I was pregnant with Olivia, she was the first to now. She was thrilled for me. She loved that little girl so much, and felt the same about Quinn when he arrived. Even when I didn't make the best choices, she never gave up on me. She loved me, when no one else seemed to. And she knew me better then anyone. Even still, when something happens, the first person I want is my Gram. My children know her as "Grammo".....and Olivia loves her so very much. She used to send the kids stickers and dollars. There faces would light up because it was mail from Grammo. I'm heart broken that Annabelle will never know her.

I know that my Gramma has lived a long hard life. I know that her body was tired, and it was time for her to go home. I understand all of this, and it all makes sense to me. However again I say, I was spoiled rotten!! The selfish part of me, wants her here!! I want to be able to tell her goodbye. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for any pain I caused her either growing up or in my adult years. I want to thank her for ALWAYS being here for me, even when no one else was. I want to tell her that even though we live so far away now, a day does not go by that I don't think about her, and miss her. I want to tell her how much she has inspired me, and how fulfilling the life that she gave me was. I want to tell her that I love her, and she will forever be in my heart. I can't tell her any of this, because I ran out of time. She's going home to be with my Mom now. And I know that she will be in a better place, and will not suffer anymore, but as I sit here, I wonder, how will I ever get through this?! This is without a doubt, the worst day of my entire life.

I have always feared losing her. Everytime she gets sick, I get scared. As much as the thought crossed my mind, I never knew how I would really react, maybe because apart of me, even knowing how fragile she had become, believed that she would live forever. I mean, she has to....she has to meet my little girl, she has to meet my new nephew. She has to yell at me, like she always did to "stop my blubbering!!"

I keep telling myself, that the next call that comes from NY, is going to say she's doing better. That somehow, she pulled through this, and is doing better. But I know, that the next call I get, is NOT going to say that. No matter how much I wish this all away, this is really happening.

My life has been forever changed because of her. Because of the person she raised me to be. Because of the influence she had on my life. My life will be forever changed because of how much she loved me, and how much I loved her. My life will be forever changed because she is gone now, and I have to some how, find a way to live without her. The thought of that, however, gives me a panic attack. It makes me cry, and hate life. It makes me sad for my children who will not grow up knowing her, like I did. It makes me sad, because, it's not fair.

So here I sit.....knowing that her body is tired of fighting. Knowing that her body is shutting down. Knowing that everyone is there with her except for me. Knowing that I will never again hear her voice or her laugh, and hear her tell me she loves me, ever again. Here I sit.....

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