Monday, April 19, 2010

23 weeks!!

I feel like a little kid, counting the days until Christmas!!! Instead I'm counting how many weeks I've come, and how many I have left to go, until I meet my sweet baby girl. In 16 weeks or less, I will have her in my arms!!! All of a sudden, I'm starting to panic ab0ut becoming a mother of three!!! What if I can't do it all? What if my kids hate me, because they feel like I've replaced them, by having another. Alan has two daughters from his first marriage they are older, 21 and almost 20. They resent both Alan and I, along with their siblings, because they felt like they were replaced. So what if that's how Olivia & Quinn feel too. We did not replace the other two, we simply wanted a larger family, and I wanted children of my own. I was not replacing the two I already have, but adding to our family again. Is that wrong? I worry about the kids not knowing how much I love them, and how each of them mean the world to me. I try so hard to be a good mom, and show them regularly, that they are my heart, but sometimes, especially lately, with my pregnancy hormone's in full force, I feel like a failure when it comes to that. Everyone has told me that going from 2 to 3, is way easier then going from 1 kid to two. Oh, I hope they are right. Cause right now, I'm not buying it!!!

It's been such a long weekend. My Gramma was admitted in to the hospital yesterday. My Gram raised my sister and I. She's a wonderful, strong, beautiful woman, inside and out. I cried all day yesterday. At many times, I couldn't even breathe, the fear and tears paralized me. I worry about her, and about how sick she gets. My Gramma is my heart. She's more then a grandmother to me, she's been the only mom I have ever had since I was 4 years old. She is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. I love her so much, and knowing she's so far away, and I can't be there with her, is breaking my heart!!!!

I feel like I have a lot I want to say today, but as I go back and re-read what I've written so far, I realize that my brain is a jumbled mess right now, and nothing is coming out like I intended. I wil revisit this again later....

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