Sunday, May 2, 2010

10 days, and a world of change.....

I've not updated my blog in 10 days. My life has changed so much in that time!!! My Gramma went home to Heaven one week ago. The worst day of my life. Ok, one of them.....

after accepting the fact that I wouldn't be able to go home for the funeral, my family called and insisted I be there. I've never felt so blessed, and happy to have such a wonderful support system. My family is one of those families that fights amongst ourselves....says nasty things about each other when we are hurt by another, and sometimes has a very hard time admitting we are wrong, and are just simply stubborn. One thing I have ALWAYS known about my family though, is that when the going gets tough, we get together!!!! Alan and I laugh, because we can say the meanest things to eachother, not talk for a year, but if anyone else says anything, tries to hurt or cross us, we are a united front, and are ALWAYS there for eachother!!! In saying all that, this past weekend has made me re-evaluate all of that!!!! I've finally seen what my Gramma saw for so many years, and that is that we ARE a family, and we love eachother, and there is no need to fight, or argue....because when it comes down to it, we are all we have left. All of this to say that, I have realized how much I truly love and appreciate my family. Maybe the lesson that Gram tried to teach all of this, all of these years, came to us a little late, but we have definitely learned it, and for that I am so thankful.

So, lets that I've jumped way ahead, let me go bp of course was pretty high before we left SC. I also couldn't hear!!! I got an ear infection, and it totally distorted my hearing....this has been going on for 2 weeks now. After trying tons of home remedies, I finally took Alan and Dora's advice to go to urgent care and get them checked on our way to NY. I was about 5 minutes away from just going and getting some Sudafed, after a friend suggested that (her ob told her it was safe during pregnancy, and if it meant no urgent care, why not, right?!?!?) I try it!! Thankfully I went to see the doctor FIRST. I know my Gramma was looking out for us that day!!! The doctor said that this far into pregnancy with my already very high blood pressures could, have caused my bp to shoot way up and cut off the blood supply to Annabelle. I seriously almost threw up when he told me that. I guess the lesson I learned in that is, GO TO THE DOCTOR when you're sick, and don't assume that what is good for one person, is good for another. The thought of losing my daughter like that still upsets me. On that note.....after being seen there, we were on our way to NY!!! I still can't hear perfectly, but with the medicine that the doctor gave me, that is SAFE, it's slowly getting better!

Thursday we spent at calling hours, saying goodbye and meeting with friends and family. That was soooooo hard. Friday morning was her funeral. I've never seen or heard, or FELT so many tears as I did that day!!! It's still hard for me to think about that day, and Gram being gone!!!! Friday was also Olivia's 6th birthday!!! Not exactly how I had hoped to spend my babie's birthday, but she was a great sport about it, and my family was wonderful. At the reception following the funeral they all sang happy birthday to her, and brought her out a bag full of presents. She was thrilled. Friday night was spent with my sister and friends, celebrating her birthday!!!

Let me not forget, on our way home Thursday night, we got pulled over, not ONCE, but TWICE!!!!!! First by a sheriff, and then a State Trooper (seriously within 10 minutes of eachother!!! ARGH!!), welcome home to NY, right?!?!

Saturday we went out to Nunda, to say goodbye to Gram one more time, and put flowers on her and my mom's graves!!!! The kids loved picking out some flowers for them we picked out a cute little angel statue for Grammo!!! We got to hang out with Tina, and baby Ellie for a while too, that was wonderful!!! Tina was so kind and gave me COUNTLESS outfits, socks, mittens, onsies, sleepers and gowns, along with bottles, diapers, and so much more, for baby Annabelle. We will be set for a long time!! What a blessing!!

My weekend brought more tears then I want to think about, but it also brought so much happiness!!! We got to spend time with family, go to WEGMANS, yes, anyone who knows me, knows that is my very favorite place!!!!!! We got to have dinner at Charcoal corral.....and ice cream too!! HEHE!!! I got to spend time with long time friends, meet new family members, spend time with my beautiful nieces, sister and brother in law. More then anything, I got to say goodbye to my Gramma.

I could ramble on and on about our much happened, but I think some of those memories I will keep to myself, and just hold them close to my heart, where they are safe and protected!!!

For now, however, we are just leaving Rochester...(not before we stopped at Wegmans ONE more time to get some of our favorite goodies!!!! Oh how I wish the sub shop were open this early!! LOL Next time....)

Thank you to all of my very dear friends, and family, for all the love and support they have showed myself and my family through this very hard time. For those that flew home to NY to say goodbye to someone who touched their hearts too. No words can express how grateful I am for all of you. A special thank you to Tammy and Jaime for helping take care of the kids during calling hours and the funeral. Thank you to Dora and Charlie for their continued love and support, as well as taking care of our house/cat and mail in SC. We love you guys!!! Thank you to my sister and Brett for not only giving us a place to stay for the weekend, but for making Olivia's birthday so special on Friday. And to the rest of the family, thanks for not giving up on me, and letting me grieve the loss of Gram with all of you. It's made me a stronger, better person. And finally, last but certainly not least....thank you to my Gramma for the beautiful life that you gave me. For being my Gramma, my mom/dad and my very best friend. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and when no one else did....thank you for being my rock, and for sharing your life with me, Alan and the kids. We will forever love and miss you, but you are here, in my heart, and a day will not pass that I won't think about you!! I love you!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A new day....

I woke up this morning, and could barely lift my head. It felt like a ton of bricks, and was pounding so bad. The only way to really explain it, is it felt like a really bad hangover!! I wish it were that simple. I thought for a minute, that yesterday was all a bad dream, and I was waking up to a new day, similiar to the ones in the past. Then I realized, it wasn't a bad dream, and that I'd never have a day like I did in the past, again. Everything is different now.

I waited for hours last night, for an update on Gram. Something to ease my mind, that either, by some miracle, she was doing better, or that she had made it home to heaven to be with my mom again. My phone didn't ring. It didn't vibrate....nothing. I looked at it countless times this morning, thinking maybe I had missed the call, but I hadn't. I texted my sister to check on her. She's been with Gram through all this, and I'm worried about her.

My sister is a very strong woman. She's been through so much in her life, however knowing that she is going through this, alone, breaks my heart. My family is there with her, but, I know, she's dealing with all of this in her own way. Much like myself, she never asks for help, and even when offered, she has a VERY hard time accepting it. I just worry about her.

She said that this morning had been really rough. Gram isn't in any pain, and she's still making that journey home. I don't know how long it will take for her to reach her destination, but I know that when she does, she will be where she is free from pain, and sadness.

I feel helpless/useless right now. I wish there was some way I could help my family through this. I know how horrible I feel right now, I can't imagine what they must feel, watching all of this. I wish I could do something, anything!!! My pain seems so trivial, compared to what they are going through. Death, sucks!!!

I will continue to pray. For both my Gramma, and my family. I guess, that's all I can do right now.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

So many feelings!

So I spent most of my evening, angry with my husband. Angry because I wanted him to take the night off, and spend it with me. Angry because he wouldn't. He has to work. We are already struggling, and for him to miss work is not the best idea. Crime doesn't stop, just because it feels like my life has. I was angry. Mostly I was angry at him, because I need to be mad at SOMEONE!!

My Gramma, would be so upset with me, if she saw what I'm letting this do to me. See, Gram, was ALWAYS on Alan's side. She adored him. And she knew that I was being a spoiled brat, most of the time, and God forbid Alan do anything wrong!! LOL It used to make me so frusterated. She'd tell me, "you stop being mean to him!!! He loves you!!" She was right.....the only other person in my life, that has loved me as much as my Gram, is Alan.

The two of them make my world a better place. My fear now, is what will I do, now that one half of that equation is gone?!?!

Once I stopped being angry, he held me. And I cried and I cried. I told him things about Gram raising us, that I don't think I had ever told him before. I needed to share them with someone. Not that he needed any reminders of how wonderful she was, he loved her just as much as she loved him. He cried with me. And he held me, and didn't pretend to know what to say, he just held me. And he also reminded me of what Gram would say right now. She would tell me to stop crying. She would tell me to take care of my babies. And she would always reassure me of how much she loves me.

I know that my heart is going to hurt for a very long time. I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that more then anything, my Gramma would want what is best for me, and Alan, and Olivia, Quinn and Annabelle. I know that my Gramma will watch over me, and before, we were seperated by miles, but I know now, that she is closer then has has ever been. She's in my heart, and she's watching over me, guiding and protecting me and my family.

We explained to Olivia tonight, what was happening. I have never gotten over never being able to tell my mom goodbye, but I always promised myself, that I would always be completely honest about death (especially that of loved ones) with my children. She cried. She loves her Grammo! But, I assured her that now, she has two Angels protecting her, and that Grammo will be happy going to heaven, because she will get to be with Angel Gramma again. That in itself seemed to comfort her.

Her friend came over this evening to see if she could go to her house and play, and the first thing she told her, "My mommy is going to NY to say goodbye to my Grammo, cause she's on her way to heaven!" I know, she may not understand it all, but I will keep my promise, and always tell her the truth.

I will also, do my best to ask for help. I know I can't get through this alone. Yet, I'm very very bad at asking for help from people. So many of my friends have reached out, not feeling as if they have to help, but WANTING to help. I have to find a way to accept that, and not try and do this alone. I guess I get that from Gram. She was so strong, so stubborn, that she HATED asking for help. Please, just be patient. I'm a work in progress!! :o)

I don't know how I will get through this, right now, it seems impossible, but I will...

(sorry for so much rambling. It's so much easier for me to write my feelings, then trying to express them aloud!)

Here I sit....

So, here I sit, wondering how to express my feelings. Everyone tells me, Gram wouldn't want me upset, and crying, she would want me to stay calm and take care of this baby growing inside of me, but, I don't think that's possible. I can't stay calm, and I can't stop crying.

My Gramma's body is shutting down. My family is there, saying their goodbyes, and here I sit, hundreds of miles away. Not able to see her, to talk to her, or tell her how much she means to me. I have to believe that she already knows and feels this in her heart. That doesn't comfort me though. I'm mad! I hate being here, when my heart is up there. I hate not knowing what is happening every second...

When my mom died, when I was 4, my Gramma stepped up to the plate and took my sister and I in, and raised us as if we were her own. I will be the first to admit, I was spoiled rotten. She loved us, encouraged us, and never gave up on us. She was a girl scout leader, she hosted many a birthday parties for both me and my sister. She never missed a show or performance we put on, at school. She made us french toast on Saturday mornings, while we lounged infront of the TV and watched our cartoons. She let us play outside with our friends until way after dark, and on New Years Eve, we always got to drink Mogan David (is that what its called) with her. We watched Dukes of Hazard, Dallas and Knots Landing with her every Friday night, while we sipped a coke and had chips n' dip ( I can't remember a single Friday night that I made it through all of those shows without falling asleep!!). She would pay us $1 to brush her hair, and when I was scared in the middle of the night, she'd let me sleep on her bedroom floor, where I ALWAYS felt safe. She made the best chocolate chip cookies, tuna noodle, and home made mac n' cheese. Everyone I know, called her "Gram"....and loved her as if she was their Gramma too.

She was a daughter, a sister, a mother of 5, a grandmother and a great grandmother. She was also a friend to everyone. If you met my Gramma, you instantly loved her. She would do anything, for anyone. That is what I always loved about her. She was more then my Gramma, she was the only parent I ever had. She was my best friend. I could call her 10 times a day, about ANYTHING. From "I miss you", to "how do you make....!??!" She never complained when she didn't feel good or was tired. She was strong, and independent. She was loyal, and so very hard working. She is everything I wish I could be. Growing up with my Gramma, taught me so much about love, about family and about life.

When I was pregnant with Olivia, she was the first to now. She was thrilled for me. She loved that little girl so much, and felt the same about Quinn when he arrived. Even when I didn't make the best choices, she never gave up on me. She loved me, when no one else seemed to. And she knew me better then anyone. Even still, when something happens, the first person I want is my Gram. My children know her as "Grammo".....and Olivia loves her so very much. She used to send the kids stickers and dollars. There faces would light up because it was mail from Grammo. I'm heart broken that Annabelle will never know her.

I know that my Gramma has lived a long hard life. I know that her body was tired, and it was time for her to go home. I understand all of this, and it all makes sense to me. However again I say, I was spoiled rotten!! The selfish part of me, wants her here!! I want to be able to tell her goodbye. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for any pain I caused her either growing up or in my adult years. I want to thank her for ALWAYS being here for me, even when no one else was. I want to tell her that even though we live so far away now, a day does not go by that I don't think about her, and miss her. I want to tell her how much she has inspired me, and how fulfilling the life that she gave me was. I want to tell her that I love her, and she will forever be in my heart. I can't tell her any of this, because I ran out of time. She's going home to be with my Mom now. And I know that she will be in a better place, and will not suffer anymore, but as I sit here, I wonder, how will I ever get through this?! This is without a doubt, the worst day of my entire life.

I have always feared losing her. Everytime she gets sick, I get scared. As much as the thought crossed my mind, I never knew how I would really react, maybe because apart of me, even knowing how fragile she had become, believed that she would live forever. I mean, she has to....she has to meet my little girl, she has to meet my new nephew. She has to yell at me, like she always did to "stop my blubbering!!"

I keep telling myself, that the next call that comes from NY, is going to say she's doing better. That somehow, she pulled through this, and is doing better. But I know, that the next call I get, is NOT going to say that. No matter how much I wish this all away, this is really happening.

My life has been forever changed because of her. Because of the person she raised me to be. Because of the influence she had on my life. My life will be forever changed because of how much she loved me, and how much I loved her. My life will be forever changed because she is gone now, and I have to some how, find a way to live without her. The thought of that, however, gives me a panic attack. It makes me cry, and hate life. It makes me sad for my children who will not grow up knowing her, like I did. It makes me sad, because, it's not fair.

So here I sit.....knowing that her body is tired of fighting. Knowing that her body is shutting down. Knowing that everyone is there with her except for me. Knowing that I will never again hear her voice or her laugh, and hear her tell me she loves me, ever again. Here I sit.....

Monday, April 19, 2010

23 weeks!!

I feel like a little kid, counting the days until Christmas!!! Instead I'm counting how many weeks I've come, and how many I have left to go, until I meet my sweet baby girl. In 16 weeks or less, I will have her in my arms!!! All of a sudden, I'm starting to panic ab0ut becoming a mother of three!!! What if I can't do it all? What if my kids hate me, because they feel like I've replaced them, by having another. Alan has two daughters from his first marriage they are older, 21 and almost 20. They resent both Alan and I, along with their siblings, because they felt like they were replaced. So what if that's how Olivia & Quinn feel too. We did not replace the other two, we simply wanted a larger family, and I wanted children of my own. I was not replacing the two I already have, but adding to our family again. Is that wrong? I worry about the kids not knowing how much I love them, and how each of them mean the world to me. I try so hard to be a good mom, and show them regularly, that they are my heart, but sometimes, especially lately, with my pregnancy hormone's in full force, I feel like a failure when it comes to that. Everyone has told me that going from 2 to 3, is way easier then going from 1 kid to two. Oh, I hope they are right. Cause right now, I'm not buying it!!!

It's been such a long weekend. My Gramma was admitted in to the hospital yesterday. My Gram raised my sister and I. She's a wonderful, strong, beautiful woman, inside and out. I cried all day yesterday. At many times, I couldn't even breathe, the fear and tears paralized me. I worry about her, and about how sick she gets. My Gramma is my heart. She's more then a grandmother to me, she's been the only mom I have ever had since I was 4 years old. She is truly the best friend I could ever ask for. I love her so much, and knowing she's so far away, and I can't be there with her, is breaking my heart!!!!

I feel like I have a lot I want to say today, but as I go back and re-read what I've written so far, I realize that my brain is a jumbled mess right now, and nothing is coming out like I intended. I wil revisit this again later....

Friday, April 16, 2010

How do you even label this?!?!

Not even sure what to label this, for my subject. It just makes me giggle, and so I had to share!!!

Yesterday, Olivia comes home from school and tells me that her little "boy" friend in her class has invited her to stay over night at his house (I'm quite sure, this was something he decided on his own, not sure his mom would agree to this, but who knows!!!) I informed her that she was more then welcome to have a playdate with him, however she won't be having boy/girl sleep overs!!! She wasn't happy about this!! I asked her what she told him, and she said that she would ask her Mommy & Daddy!!! The whole thing just tickled me, especially when I thought of how her daddy would react when she told him. He almost had a heart attack, to say the least!!! LOL

So today, when she came home from school, I asked her if she had told him that she wasn't allowed to have a sleep over at his house, and she said yes, and that he told her, "just give them the puppy dog face and they will let you!!" OMG, I seriously had to laugh, it was just so what does she do?!?! She gives me the puppy dog face, and then proceeds to ask me, "did that work?!?!" LMAO Ummmm, yeah, not so much!!!

I will say, that I hope she ALWAYS asks before sleeping over at a boys house!! LOL However I'm sure there will come a day, when that's the last thing she will mention. For now, I'm just going to cherish this memory!!! I found it way more amusing then Alan did though!! LOL She's such a daddy's girl. I'm confident in saying, he probably won't even let her date in high school!! *gigglin*

Cast of Characters!!

Since I've already started spilling my guts about
our family, I figured I had better properly introduce the cast of characters!!
My sweet boy, Quinn...
He's sweet, stubborn, is always worried about whether you are
happy or not, and will do anything to make you laugh,
he's a total clown!!

My beautiful Olivia Hope!!
She is so smart, and passionate about
so many things. She loves horses more then anything, and has been riding since she was 3.
She loves to draw, and tell stories, and her new favorite thing
is riding her bike, "on two wheels" as she says!!
She's so sweet and always wears her heart on her sleeve, much
like her Mommy. I think some people see it as a negative, that she's so
emotional, however I think her sweet, gentleness is very endearing, and that more
kids, and people should have a heart as kind and tender as hers!!
(of course, I may also be biased?!?! LOL)

My two sweet angels!!
They bring so much joy and happiness to our life.
I thank God for everyday that he gives me, with them. I grew up without
parents, so there is nothing in this world that is more
important to me, then my family and my
two (almost 3) precious babies!!!

My beautiful family!!!